.Tuesday, October 02, 2007 ' 4:06 PM Y
Sometimes I really do not know what I want to do with myself.
Recently, I have not been myself either. In times like this, I really hope for a voice to tell me actually what I should do.
Friends were telling me how much they miss times in Gennex. However, those were the times when “the usual people” are there and as it is right now. Many have speculated that I will leave Gennex soon because “the usual people” all left one after another. I was highly speculated to be the next to go but I shocked many, in fact only one by still remaining here. Some may think that im having a good life here but I can say that you are wrong. So wrong! Do you know how is the feeling of being trapped here? I did not study my ass off for 2 years to still want to be trapped here. Yes, paying off the loan IS the solution but where can I get the money? It isnt easy for me to be living off on my own with the pathetic salary im getting. What is the use of studying so hard for a degree and not getting recognized and most importantly no progress. Reason being that the company knows that im bonded and I have no where to run. So there is no need to justify for my worth. With this bond, I feel as if im being stepped and trampled over without having the authority to speak up for myself, Y? Because they know I can’t cuz of my restriction. I have to abide whatever shit that is thrown at me, still smiling. With numerous stabs on my back and I am still smiling.
Chris happened to msn me and I just poured out my work woes. I asked him about Y she hates me so much but I juz hope to make peace with her. Y doesn’t she tells me directly her unhappiness about me directly? I am not here to jeopardize her position or to over take her. Chris said likewise, that probably that IS the way she is feeling. I asked him for advices on what I should do. He told me that I should not give face to her but I am going to be a support role for her, how can I not give face to her? He asked me to be tough with her, do not be afraid to speak up against her or else she views us all as wimps. He has a point but it isnt in my nature to be this way. I was telling Patrick that I admired Candice’s guts on this. Being tough when needed. I find that being soft is one of my weaknesses. I do not know how to defend for myself.
So much of me want to plan for my future but I am so caught in between with this stupid bond. However, my career future seems bleak right now. I was in a short meeting with Mr Yeo this morning; he asked me, where do I see myself in 5 years time? Is marriage on my mind? Question caught me off guard as I realized that I have yet to do any serious planning.
My dilemma right now is, If I want to get out of this place fast, I have to clear my loan, but if I clear my loan, I will have to put my marriage plans and any other plans on hold for career. All of sudden I realized that I have not planned for anything at all! I am just standing still, not knowing where to go. More else, probably there has not been any fixed plans at the moment and anything can change. Probably I am someone who needs to see light before I start to walk. I should say that I am a low risk taker and that I tend to lose motivation when I do not see a future. A good example is my job, im so totally unmotivated, lack of drive.
However, I did see a bit of light when Mr Yeo told me that he will plan a career route for me and I will know it on Thurs. To me, that was a reassurance that there IS hope in my career path. Mr Yeo mentioned that I may need to travel in my job but he did say that he wants to know what my plans are. He does not want to draw out a 5 year career plan for me and then I quit halfway due to other commitments. But if I choose to take up this new challenging role, what will happen after my marriage? Can I still work and fly around? How about having kids? Will I be able to look after them and provide for them, be there for them? Or should I stay where I am right now, in my comfort zone, with a non challenging job but able to have a fixed allocated time for family? Sigh..i dunno…..
All of sudden, I realized that I have got limited time to get so many things done and planned. There will definitely be things which I have to forgo. No more travelling, No more diving trips, no more concerts, no more of indulging in luxury. I have to seriously change my lifestyle, I cannot be slacking anymore, It is time to buck up! Period! Or else, I will only have myself to blame. The sense of urgency and reality hit me so hard that I need to wake up right now before it is too late.
Susan Low, please wake up your idea! Stop slacking and move your butt! You think you will succeed by waiting for things to fall down from the sky for u? Hello, Wake up! You are not living in a fairytale land! This is reality!
