.Friday, March 02, 2007 ' 11:45 AM Y
I tot it was all settled but then problems surfaced again.
One of the tenants played me out and I have decided not to rent it to her. I tot I’ll be kind to hold onto the room for her without deposit cuz she really looked sincere. However, looks like the word written on my forehead is Stupidity, with a capital S.
Some pple just take things for granted. Ungrateful!
What is happening to me? Things happened so fast that I could not catch up with the pace. Just yesterday, I found myself at a cross road. You engage in that moment of not knowing what to do in life, just waiting for things to happen and when it happens, I just have to accept it that way.
Met up with some close friends of mine for dinner last night. As usual, it was full of jokes and laughter. Gosh, I missed them so much but im glad we are still close as before.
Here comes the most important part.
I got home pretty late, I was sooo tired due to the 4hrs of sleep I had the night before. KTV session and a last minute supper with E. Had lotsa fun repeating that song at KTV, practically sang around 10 times. Sorry E, for making u wait so long, at least I accompanied you to makan liao lor and I dint get much of beauty sleep.
Ok back to last nite. I was supposed to be doing my assignment but something amazing happened, I ended up having a heart to heart fellowship with Jamie up to 1.30am! She made me poured out things that have been bothering me. The term she used on me was, Emotionally Shut Down. I was taking it all up against myself. I lifted up all burdens upon myself not knowing my own limits. I wanted to not make others worry, thus I covered it with my happy go lucky type of personality but kept sweeping the burden beneath the carpets.
There was a part where she mentioned that it could have been due to past incidents that I experienced and the hurt has been too deep for me to get over. Immediately, flashes of the past came back. The part where I lost the warmth of smtg very close to me. The part where I started on my Independency Track. The part where I have to exercise my duty as the Eldest Daughter in the family. The part where I have to take over the role as the disciplinary mistress in the family. The part where I have to be the hamburger patty both in family and at work. The part where my studies comes in. The part on where my career is heading. The part where AH came in and many others. Recent incidents made me reach my limits thus resulting in where im standing right now.
She did mention that I kept shielding off myself because I do not want to be vulnerable. An onion, I have to be. To slowly peel off until the bulb is seen. Jamie has hit on so many corners of my heart which I have been burying for the past 10years. I cried non stop, she told me not to stop, I could not stop even if I wanted to. As the conversation went on, the more I opened up my heart to speak. Although it was hard to talk while crying but it felt so good.
She gave me some advices which I felt, Hey, y dint I think of that? Jamie was spot on on this particular thing that is going on in me. When she said that, all I can do is laugh and blush non stop. I shall keep this a secret cuz when it happens, all of you, my good, close, best friends will know it. As for now, there are some things which I have not fulfilled and I will start doing it. For the rest, I will leave it to the hands of God.
Keep in mind that you are never ever alone and you will never be. I will remember it.
Thanks Jamie for opening up the doors that have been shut. Although the locks were rusty but u managed to pry it open. Im amazed im thankful. I feel much better now and I will heed your advice and I will be anticipating for what is installed for me in the future. It will and it shall only be good or not even better than ever.
